


Atone

by chaote



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sollux has Attachment Issues the musical, this is a vent fic don't mind me lmfao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 20:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20494604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaote/pseuds/chaote
Summary: You don’t know when it started. The not feeling anything thing. You have a guess, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like you hadn’t deserved it. Point is, you lost yourself and you never got yourself back.--In Which Sollux Captor, After Suffering Trauma Off-Screen, is Depicted as Being Incapable of Forming Healthy and Longlasting Bonds with Others.





	Atone

**Author's Note:**

> the Mituna part is NOT incest btw they are just Pals...Broes...  
poem is LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME - R.J./softlesbi

_I have been the bad guy before_

You don’t know when it started. The not feeling anything thing. You have a guess, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like you hadn’t deserved it. Point is, you lost yourself and you never got yourself back.

_I kissed a boy so broken_  
_I could taste his heart in between his teeth_  
_And took that as an invitation to spit forever down his throat_

Eridan had been the kid in your 7th grade class to notice your sulking and seemed to have decided to make you his responsibility. It was annoying. So you kissed him until both your lips bruised. You figured it would make him fuck off. But it didn’t. He kissed you back. Three weeks later he showed up at your house with flowers and said he loved you. You told him the kiss didn’t mean anything and watched him cry on your front porch. You shut the door without saying goodbye.

_I held her hand so tight_  
_Our bones shattered_  
_And blamed her for letting go_

It was high school and Aradia was so confident and proud. She laughed like she didn’t care, had a million and one hobbies, and brightened every room she walked into. She awed you. You thought if you could be with her maybe you’d end up a little like her. But you ate up her time and attention, paranoid that someone would steal your sunshine and leave you in the dark again. The last thing she said to you before she left was that you were suffocating. You don’t think you loved her so much as needed her.

_I traced the scars on his wrist  
Just so I could linger there long after I left_

He had been devastated after the end of his previous relationship. Frankly, you thought she was a bitch. You held him while he cried and when he kissed you, you let him. There wasn’t much more to say. You were his escape and you were cool with that. You left the morning after. He couldn’t have expected anything real to happen. Right?

_I wrote poems about her eyes_  
_And told her I loved her as much as I believed in God_  
_I never believed in God_

She was shiny and new. She reminded you of Aradia in the best ways. When you told her she was beautiful, she blushed and giggled, and god, you needed that like a breath of fresh air. So you kept telling her things and she’d fill your lungs with helium. One night she asked you to fly to some island with her to meet her parents. You moved out the same night.

_I let him touch my body and promised it would always be his_  
_And smiled into his best friend’s bed_  
_I could never belong to anybody, he should have known that_

You might have really loved Karkat. He was fiery and passionate. Smarter than he let on. He guessed some of the things that had plagued you since childhood. You shook and muffled choked sobs against his shoulder almost every night. You knew it wouldn’t last, and he should’ve too. He should’ve known something as fucked up as you could never love. Not completely. No matter how hard you try, you can’t scrub away the look on his face when he found out.

_I told her I’d always be there_  
_But when the phone rang at 2AM_  
_I turned it off and let her talk to the answering machine instead_

He called at 3:45AM. You let it go to voicemail, and listened to Mituna scream at your phone, begging you to pick up and where were you, you promised. Something in your chest stirs, but you shove it away. It doesn’t matter anyways.

_I never meant it_  
_I have scattered my ashes_  
_Around people who claim they love me_

You think about it sometimes, how horribly you’ve hurt people. How they should and probably do hate you. You don’t know why you’re like this. You don’t want to be. You don’t know why you pull people in so desperately only to push them away again. You deserve the nightmares, the hands and the fear, the waking up in a cold sweat. It wasn’t enough to fix everything you’ve broken, but at least you got your dose of hurt. Nothing you could do would ever fix any of it. From the averted eyes and the tight-lipped smiles, you know for a fact that they would’ve all been better off if you’d never been around.

_Just to prove to them they can’t love someone like me  
Just to prove to myself I can’t love anything right_

They broke something in you when you were a child. The only person who knew was Karkat. But you could never face him after what you did and you didn’t deserve to see him again even if you could. Instead you wrote him a letter, shoved it in his mailbox, and stuffed your hands back in your jean pockets.  


When you walked home, you closed the door.  


You never came back out.


End file.
